The Typical Progression Repeats

Well, here we are, just two weeks after establishment of my plan, and we sit squarely where we always do a couple weeks after any one of my renewed attempts: firmly back at square one, where life has demanded I stay. It honestly feels typical of the discouraging ongoing routine... for years, I repeatedly steel myself to actually press at losing weight, only to have something come up to sidetrack me... a couple days of going out to eat, some depressing event in life, etc. So this time, I steel myself with a renewed vigor unlike any previous time... I post the blog... I actually start walking the walk... I even get out to the gym for a session. This time, I feel strength that makes me certain that no amount of life moments, whether good or bad, can shake me from my goal... and I promptly become more ill than I have been in a long time, with it hanging on for almost two weeks now, keeping me from feeling up to the gym, keeping me eating out of convenience (not feeling well enough to do much cooking), keeping me generally inactive and feeling miserable. I just got my voice back today after almost a week of incommunicado (and a few days of literally near-muteness), and I'm still struggling with the remnants which are behaving very much like a really rotten sinus cold. It's just typical - no matter how worked up I get over trying to make a real push, life sends a proportionately appropriate curve ball to pull me right off the plate.

I began (sort of) trying to get back into things tonight. I ordered pizza (convenience again a factor, and really felt like celebrating the end of the last day of school before a break), but I watched the total consumption to keep sane. I pressed myself to get some active stuff done before plopping down for awhile this evening, and I've been back up for an hour or so now too. It's a pretty pathetic start, nothing even slightly reminiscent of the head of steam I had two weeks ago before catching the stinkin' avian flu or whatever I've had, but I guess any start is still nonetheless a start.

While I'm typing, one other element I want to share. Just before I became ill, I did make it out to the gym with my wife for an evening exercise. I popped onto the treadmill, intending to do about 45 minutes of a brisk walk, something enough to serve as exercise but not strenuous enough to make me unhappy or strained. Well, I did my usual, starting off at a very simple and steady pace, then kicking it up to a brisker walk after a couple three minute timer cycles, then pulling back to my first speed for a breather and then speeding back up. In the past (far past, it's been years), I've been able to relatively enjoy such sessions by viewing them as time to myself and concentrating on listening to a book on tape or music (I admit here that I cannot "enjoy" exercise like I hear so many other people refer to... see below). However, this time was absolutely miserable. I felt very self conscious quickly by the other people (and it was a full place when we started, every machine in use) eyeballing my slow gait compared to their mountain man marathon speeds, but I tried to just concentrate on listening to a book on tape... but I couldn't even do that. I quickly found myself drenched from just a moment at the higher speed, and I could not pay attention at all to my book on tape because my discomfort and pushing myself to keep walking and not stop was a constant, insistent focus of all my attention. Just twenty minutes of walking had me clearly seeing that I couldn't even manage to keep up a regular pace of walking for that forty five minute goal, and when my wife came over after a little more than half an hour ready to leave, I was only too grateful for the excuse to cut my session shorter than intended and get off the machine. This is a goal of mine too, related to the above although not explicitly stated yet: I want to be able to go and exercise without dreading it, to have the actual act of mild physical exertion not require my attention to maintain, so that I can let my mind leave the activity and preserve my happiness.

I mentioned above that I admit I cannot "enjoy" exercising as so many people claim. I actually find it to be one of the most unpleasant and uncomfortable things to do, for many reasons. Let's take all the standard "chubby person" reasons out of play right now - I'm talking about reasons that keep it a negative activity for me even when I was basically healthy and before I had gained all that much weight. First, I hate to sweat, and I sweat a ton when in any physical activity; there are few sensations I hate more in the world than sweatiness. Second, purely physical, non-cognitive activities are entirely unpleasant to me and intensely boring - I cannot be "interested" in them at all. Third, and I can't find any better way to word this, I find the sensation of stressing myself physically to be uncomfortable. These three things together just plain stink (literally and figuratively) for someone who has found, based on the amount found naturally within the rest of the lifestyle, that he needs exercise to turn things around. I really and honestly wish I could enjoy exercise, so that I could actually want to do it. I've really thought about it... there just isn't anything I enjoy doing that involves the kind of exercise I need on a very regular basis. I do wish there was a good solution that I could pop into my routine, believe me.

And lastly, as if to mercilessly mock me, the scale says...

351 lbs.

Here we go.

Okay, enough is enough... I've been struggling with my weight for far too long, and I always do a great job of getting myself pumped up every so often about doing something about it, but I rarely stick to it. The time has come to make a stand, and my most recent hairbrained idea on how to make that happen is to keep a public account of the struggle... at a minimum, I can keep myself paying attention to it, and at a maximum, any notes of support or ruthless heckling that is posted as comments here might urge me on further.

Goals

First, I know it makes an awful lot of sense to head into something this large with some tangible goals. I also know that having several of varying degrees helps to keep progress feeling good, rather than sooooo slow. So, here are some goals:

1. Maintain my current starting weight or lower, permanently. It's the lightest (pun! haha!) goal of the bunch, but it is an important one... if nothing else, I want to never deteriorate further than where I am today.
2. Establish and maintain a consistent schedule of exercize. I've got a membership to Bally's with my wife that has done a great job of eating money without being used for quite some time... it's time to make visits at least once a week regardless of what else comes up in life, and preferrably twice a week, for a minimum of a half hour workout each time.
3. Meet and maintain a reasonable eating habit. This does NOT mean cutting out loaded fries or soda - they are my treats and vices, and I'm not willing to part with them. It does mean eating reasonable portions regularly, and saving treats for occasional indulgence, rather than everyday diet.
4. Adhere to my health needs as a Type II Diabetic. I've met this goal if I do three things:
   (a) take my medications without fail
   (b) eat several small times per day (rather than twice in large portions, as is my common failing), and
   (c) drink water every day (not just soda)
5. Lose a tangible amount of weight greater than 10 lbs. I consider single digit changes to be random fluctuation; I need to see a double digit change before I will attribute it to real progress from my effort.
6. Fit back into my favorite wardrobe. In the past couple months, I've lost use of my favorite clothing, because I've gained one more size. I want that clothing back in my usable closet.
7. Lose 50 lbs. This is a milestone because it will bring me below an important psychological numerical marker.
8. Become capable of engaging in physical activity without discomfort. Currently, I am embarrassed to go camping with friends and be unable to pound in tent stakes because I cannot kneel or sit on the ground. I want to be able to engage in regular activities without my weight and health limiting me.
9. Fit comfortably into theater and stadium seats. Currently, I cannot attend events without constant discomfort in tight seats. I want to be able to go to a movie or a play or a sporting event without even thinking about the seats.
10. Weigh under 220 lbs. This is my most challenging and optimistic goal, based on my current weight. However, having researched the ideal weight of a man of my height, this goal is still generously above (60 lbs. overweight, in fact). I recognize that, even in my most ideal situation, I do not want to make the final concessions to reach that ideal weight of 160 lbs.: specifically, giving up my soda and occasional loaded fries; therefore, I set as my final goal a weight that I feel could be realistically maintained within the final lifestyle limits I will concede to the situation.

Initial Steps

I will begin by focusing on three specific strategies:

1. Medications and Water Products - As Goal Four might be the most presently crucial, I will concentrate on better solidifying my medication regimen (I remain good about my evening medications, but often miss my morning ones), and selecting water and primarily water drinks instead of sodas as regular beverages (a soda each day is still permitted)
2. Establish an Exercize Routine - I will finally begin visiting the gym with weekly regularity, and make it a priority that I must meet even when busy with other parts of life.
3. Take a Step in Eating Habits - I will consciously decrease the amount of food I eat in each sitting, specifically in the evening dinner meal (the only full sized meal I regularly eat).

Weigh In

Today, on November 7, 2005, I weigh exactly 350 lbs. This makes my 50 lbs. loss goal significant because it brings me into the 2XX range again, and places my overall weight loss goal at 130 lbs.

Please don't hesitate to post comments, or to be active in reminding me about my struggle. Thanks.